How To Lose a Girl in 2 Seconds

This is me trying to escape from the "cheek-licker".

This post is inspired by that lovely Croatian fellow I met a few weeks ago (and by lovely, I mean fucking annoying). His attempt at picking me up included grabbing me forcefully and threatening that if I left my position by his side he would then STALK me. Fail.

So, guys listen up. This is how to lose a girl in 2 seconds. Based on real events.

1. Tell her your idol is "Sexual Harassment Panda" from South Park because you can have so much in common with the character. (Yes, this actually happened. The guy proceeded to try and lick my cheek within minutes of being introduced)

2. After she tells you she has absolutely no interest in politics and history, go on to explain everything you know about british colonial times. (Riveting)

3. Why talk? Just grab her arse lasciviously in front of all her friends. (You'll not only lose her, but you may acquire a black eye)

4. Use the line: "So...when are you going to buy me a drink?" (Arrogant, assuming, and makes you look like a tight ass. Attractive? I think not)

5. If you're over 25, tell her you still live with your Mum. (I'm sorry, but cut the fucking cord)

6. In conversation, keep on referring to things you've read in her status updates or seen in comments on her Facebook. (This is just creepy. Especially when you don't even realise this person is your friend on FB)

7. Whilst making out, bite her lip like you're a dog with a chew toy. (I was once left with a badly bruised and swollen lower lip thanks to this technique. I call this 'facial harassment')

8. Wear crocs. (Seriously, why do these shoes even exist!!!!They are a fucking abomination!)

9. At the end of every sentence add "shawty" or "mami". (Especially if you're a white boy. I ain't your shawty. And you ain't Lil Wayne. Shit, even Lil Wayne probably wouldn't call me that so just shut the fuck up)

And finally...

10. Tell her how much you love asians. (This one is specific to me. Maybe you do love asians, but don't tell me that because it makes me feel like you would pick up any chinky-eyed bitch you ran into. It just doesn't make me feel very...special *sigh*. That is all HAHAHA)

Girls, if you have anything to add to this list, please leave a comment! :)

Things I am Thankful For Today.

Green tea - which by some miracle seems to dissolve all the fat in my belly after eating large amounts of chocolate or junk food.

My housemate - who does NOT subject me to midday orgies and conversations about banana-flavoured condoms. Thank you.

The couch that my housemate bought - on which I can sprawl out on comfortably as opposed to having painful leg cramps from being contorted into a knot on our previous lounge which was apparently made for midgets.

Music - which I have an intensely unique personal connection with, along with the rest of the world.

Beautiful people - who incite a a strangely addictive feeling of admiration and envy within myself and who inspire me to develop an eating disorder so clothes will hang off me fashionably also.

Spencer Pratt - whose ridiculous attempts at rapping and everyday douchebag tactics make me laugh. And want to punch him in the head. Which is a very satisfying thought.